Day 28: Something that stresses me out.

I want to get going and finish this up, because I have another one in mind that I really want to do. Maybe I'll make that a WEEKLY thing instead of every day, because I didn't do this very well. Haha.

Something that stresses me out?

Keeping up with blog posts! (I kid, I kid)

Seriously, though? Money. I mean, the majority of marriages end in divorce over financial reasons, you know? I don't blame 'em...

LMAO! I kid again! :)

When I said the words, "For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" I don't think I fully grasped just exactly what I was saying. I don't think a lot of people do. I think what I meant to say was, "For better, or worse when you won't let me go on my 2nd shopping spree that week, for richer or for poorer if for some random crazy reason our house caught fire and burned down. At least poorer until the insurance gave us a bunch of money and all was right in the world again."

You know, or something like that.

Like, you don't think that the "for poorer" part is going to be the majority of the time. For richer comes first, and then the poorer part is kind of a side note or an afterthought. I'll love you even if it happens, but it probably won't.

Lawls. Expectations fail.

It's such an annoying necessity of life, isn't it? And I struggle to find a balance between what really is necessary and what's just fluff. Hate it.

So there you go. Money stresses me out. Or lack thereof....

Day 27: A Child I Love (J.O.Y.)

My newest little nephew was born June 30th, 2011 at 6:41pm. When my mom called me to tell me the news she said,

"I have some bad news. Laurie had the baby..."

My mind was already a flurry of emotions. My little sister Emilie just had a her baby boy 3 months ago, who pierced a hole in his left lung with his first big gulp of air. He had a week-long stay in the NICU, but has since been a very happy, healthy (chubby!) baby. I was not prepared for what she said next.

"...He didn't make it."

I was sitting in the car, at the gas station, waiting for Nick to drop Ryan off with me. I shed a few, silent tears as my heart ached for my brother and his family. What happened? Was the question on my mind, because more information was to come later.
My mom called again later in the evening, to tell me about the knot in his cord, and to ask if I would come with her the next day to the funeral home for arrangements.
I was really nervous. I rambled on the phone quite a long time with lame excuses. I don't know, what about Ryan, whatever. The next morning I was pretty certain I wasn't going to make it, but then Nick's mom called me back and was more than willing to watch Ry for me. Everything worked out and I was going.
I wasn't very emotional until the moment we pulled up outside of the funeral home. I saw my brother, hugging my crying sister-in-law with her recently vacated baby bump...my heart jumped into my throat and I stayed in the car for a minute. It hadn't even been 24 hours. She should be in bed. Don't cry...don't cry...
That thought didn't last long. The funeral director, sweet lady, showed us into a room...and Laurie came over to give me a hug. That was the end for me. The floodgates opened and would not be stopped for the next 3 hours.
I watched, sobbing silently on the sidelines as my family picked between angels or teddy bears for the headstone and a small or a "medium" (still very small) casket. In the end offering profuse words of gratefulness for a free burial plot.
The kids out at the house provided some relief. It's amazing how quickly life can go on for them. Their youngest, Molly, greeted me with a, "Hi...mom's baby died." And her and Levi gave me a sad look before changing the subject and then going to play.

I went straight to Ryan's room when we arrived back home, and looked at him snoozing peacefully in his crib. After coming out to thank Nick's parents for watching him, I went and scooped him up and just sat rocking him for a little while. Thanking the Lord that he was still in my care.

On the ride over the next day my chest tightened up the moment we got on the long stretch of road toward the funeral home. I couldn't breathe. I thought I would be okay yesterday and then I had broken down and couldn't stop. What was I going to be like this time?
Deep breaths.
My Aunt Sherry greeted us when we walked in. "Go on and see." she said.
It frightened me. I hadn't even settled in my own mind what I planned to do. It was a viewing, not the funeral. People weren't going to force me into a line, were they?
I didn't want to go up. I couldn't go up. I knew I would be a mess. I couldn't even look at the empty casket the day before...I couldn't do this.
My mom found me lingering in the ladies room after changing Ryan and had words with me. I started to get angry and defensive about my position. "You can't make me go up there." I said before I walked out.
I passed Ryan off to Nick and twiddled my thumbs in the back longer. Stealing glances up front. There were no excuses. Only their youngest son, Levi, stood by the little box. Nobody was pushing me, nobody was holding me back. I stood, took Ryan from Nick again and squeezed him tightly to me and went up.
I felt oddly calm. The closer I got, the closer I wanted to get. I saw his little face and loved him so much more immediately. His wild little head of hair that so much heartburn was endured for. I smiled. What was I afraid of? He was adorable. Ryan looked at him for a moment, too. He's been around babies before, and loves other kids. After the moment he looked back at me, I think expecting me to say, "Look, Ryan. Baby! Be nice."
I walked away with a sad smile on my face. He was so sweet. I didn't get a chance to go back up again, but I would have. I cried after the prayer, but not again for the rest of our time there.

Sitting on the couch back home later that night, I was staring off into space...thinking. Nick sat by me and brushed my hair behind my ear. "What's wrong?"
I automatically answered nothing, because there wasn't any one particularly thing I had been focusing on. Just the general events of the day... But I was curious. "Why do you ask?"
"You look pretty depressed."
I thought for a moment..."It's just, we've been waiting so, so long for him and now it's over. It all happened so fast. They'll bury him on Tuesday and then...then we'll all go back to our lives and just leave him there."
I choked at the end of that sentence. It was just so sad.
Nick hugged me tightly. "Hey, no, it's not like that." he said. "They aren't leaving him. He's not there. He's in Heaven."

That thought, even though everyone had been saying it for the past few days is what finally set my mind at ease. He wasn't there. Nobody was leaving him. We would see him again someday and we'll never forget him.
And we ended up discussing how horrible losing a baby, or any loved one would be for an atheist or unbeliever. But especially the loss of a child. Because you may be able to justify in your mind the loss of an adult life...but if you believe there's nothing? If you believe you live and die and nothing? Then your loss carries only despair. There's no hope in the future, because your future has just ended with death. You really would just lose them and leave them there...how awful.

I can't imagine, seeing how emotional I am and how much love I have for my family and their baby I never even held...how they must feel. I don't know what I would do if it was me...I wouldn't be as strong, I know that for sure. They smiled, they talked about other things, they cried and talked about how cute he was, they looked up verses that carried his initials (J.O.Y.) with promises for a brighter tomorrow. Laurie is talking, eating, smiling, joking, taking care of her kids. Every so often rubbing her belly absentmindedly.

I, and hundreds of others who never knew you, love you, Jack Oliver Young. And we can be happy that you had a cozy womb life for 9 months and then were born straight into the arms of Jesus.

Day 26: My Dream Wedding

My real wedding was a little under 2 years ago, so I don't have all that many regrets about that day..yet. However, if I could go back and make it my dream wedding, here are the few things I know I would have changed.

1. I would have curled my hair longer, and secured it tighter. That way I wouldn't have flipped out on my mom at the reception when one of my braids came tumbling down and rubberbands were at the opposite end of the building.

2. I would have tied my champagne colored sash around my waist and topped it off with the gorgeous brooch we bought for it. Instead of totally forgetting all about them.

3. I would have trained somebody to secure my dress up for the reception.

4. I would have written down my speech or not given one at all.

5. I would have spent longer searching for the perfect pair of shoes to wear all night...instead of settling for ones that pinched my feet and changing into $2 house slippers for later.

6. I would have applied clinical strength deodorant, and had someone follow me around with a fan.

7. I wouldn't have posed like a weirdo in all of my pictures.

8. I would have worked a little closer with my florist...because apparently we were on totally different pages.

That's all I got. :P